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[Jul. 22nd, 2008|01:46 pm]
 me: I just took a psych test through mtsu's counseling center that says I may have alcohol dependence
I deny the validity of this assessment
I demand an examination of its factor structure and correlation with known predictors
Jose: isn't denial the first stage of alcoholism?
 . . . . .
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[Jul. 21st, 2008|09:11 am]
[music |The Monkey Song - Los Lobos]

Now I'm the king of the swingers
Oh, the jungle VIP
I've reached the top and had to stop
And that's what botherin' me
I wanna be a man, mancub
And stroll right into town
And be just like the other men
I'm tired of monkeyin' around!

Oh, oobee doo
I wanna be like you
I wanna walk like you
Talk like you, too
You'll see it's true
An ape like me
Can learn to be human too

( Gee, cousin Louie
You're doin' real good
Now here's your part of the deal, cuz
Lay the secret on me of man's red fire
But I don't know how to make fire )

Now don't try to kid me, mancub
I made a deal with you
What I desire is man's red fire
To make my dream come true
Give me the secret, mancub
Clue me what to do
Give me the power of man's red flower
So I can be like you

You!
I wanna be like you
I wanna talk like you
Walk like you, too
You'll see it's true
Someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like me
Can learn to be
Like someone like you
Can learn to be
Like someone like me!

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[Jul. 15th, 2008|09:26 am]
Ok, its taking all my self control not to check this link at work. Also I know it'll be disturbing. But still, in my spam folder I got an email with the Title: "Michael Jackson found dead in bed!" and the next sentence is, "Picture of boss doing secretary . . ." 
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Frivilous update! [Jul. 14th, 2008|09:37 am]
[mood |stressed, but less sick]

So I'm really annoyed by my current housing situation. One of my roommates thoughtless requested his friends to move into our apartment, despite their not being any space. So since my lease runs out by move-in next year, they just assigned them to my room. Effectively kicking me out. Now, I understand there are no legal requirements to keep a room for someone. But my lease doesnt run out until august and Ive been requesting renewals for the last few weeks!  That's poor customer service that ends with me getting kicked out of my home. The only reason I'm not moving out of that complex out of spite is because its too expensive to look for a new apartment from MD. and moving is a bitch.  More problematic is the fact that now I have to basically transfer/switch rooms, which is essentially a full move, and I have to do so on their timetable. Going back to Tennessee a week early is not something I want hanging over my head. I'm trying to think of staying in maryland for the summer as a bonus that I never should have expected anyways, but thats a small conselation. It'll probably be good for my education, since there's a lot of things I need to finish before school starts. Like everything. 

The same day all that shit went down, I found out Amanda's thinking of leaving the program. Which she's been on and off about. But every time she talked about it before, it sounded sad and stressed. When she talked about leaving this time, it sounded happy. I honestly support her whatever she chooses, but although I wouldn't admit it to her, I'd miss her a lot. SAY NOTHING RACHEL.

In other news, school is going slowly, if at all. Im still quite behind on reading, have done nothing for my thesis, and I think its a matter of time before my consulting job fires me. I feel brannan keeps getting behind because of me. I just haven't had time and learning Flash is killing my brain cells. Work is also on a bit of a deadline. Waiting on the job analysis surveys to get filled out means wasted time and more stress. Comparatively, things are going well. All of these situations can be traced back to taking this job and I still don't regret it. I know what I got myself into, I'll deal. Even if the lack of taking care of myself resulted in getting myself sick. 

Small community fame is a strange thing. I'm looking through the Space Marines rulebook at some of the ridiculously painted figures, golden demon winners, and come across the name of one of the trainers who sits across from me. Or a random Brit walking in, looking like an extra in a Hellblazer comic, and people whispering and saying, "That's the guy who invented Sigmar!". It's a strange little world. And I'm sure many more exist in different fandoms and communities. It's the same cult of the celebrity that I sometimes despite, but fuck! I got to shake dan abnett's hand! 

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[Jun. 23rd, 2008|10:46 pm]
Purchases made in Pounds is dangerously close to encouraging me to just buy more. Damn you Forgeworld, damn you.
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[Jun. 19th, 2008|10:21 am]
[mood |functional]

My last post seemed gloomy.  I think depression is a natural response to something fleeting before you can really enjoy something. It's kneejerk, something awesome but temporary does not immediately strike me as positive but teasing. It takes a bit of time to be able to appreciate that very evanescence. Or Im just on the crux of a big commitment with school, career, and location and I'm subconsciously stressed. I blame that damned protestant work ethic (from school) and my catholic guilt (from home). Cheery mix that.

But I play games at work and have nerf gun battles.  So really, gotta say I'm pretty happy, temporary or not.  Also, while going through models, I realized that I probably have another half army for warhammer fantasy . . . and am really tempted to finish it off.  Or maybe buy a bunch of models before I leave and my employee discount still works.  Decisions . . .

And Brits are cute. Dave, the US community promotions guy, snuck into the office, eyed the room nervously, quickly stole a cookie, then ran down the hall giggling. And I got a bunch of awesome junk from a repatriating brit who reminds me of a cross between a young John Cleese and the 9th Doctor.  Yay Risk 2210 and a Nicodemus model! 

I got chided for drinking too much by my parents yesterday, but I still want this for christmas. 
http://mocoloco.com/upload/2007/03/argdis_2007_arg/mareados-whiskey-glass-swid.jpg . Also, I may have said, "As soon as I get my first B in grad school, you can complain about my drinking." 
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[Jun. 18th, 2008|02:08 pm]
[mood |keeping his cards too close]

So, right, dont remember when I last updated.  Maybe because Ive been REALLY DAMNED BUSY.  Ugh, family visiting (dont get me started) and work all weekend and week and class and professors not giving adequate instructions with more work and . . . ARRGGGGHHHH. 

Anyways, quick update:
At work, I worked Gamesday, which was pretty dull on the corporate end.  Lots of shit jobs, but I did get an awesome lunch with Rob and to see the painting competition, so thats really all I needed.  and free defect miniatures.  Post that we had an open bar with all the nerdy guys from British GamesWorkshop HQ.  So I met the lead games developer Jervis.  Once I had a few drinks in me, I was tempted to ask him to write me a rulebook.  Also 4 beers + 3 whiskeys for free?  I approve.  Father's day, I saw the Hulk, which was shockingly amazing. 

This week has been a crapload of work, then going home and reading.  Boo.  Im tired of class. I just see so much on my plate and it makes me not want to do anything and then get more behind.  Not having the weekend to catch up was a bummer. The workload is getting to the point where it's demotivating to my entire world view. I see a pile of research to read and its not just, "shit, this will ruin my weekend." its "shit, this will ruin my career and I have no idea what I want to do with my life."

I've been toying with the idea of really pushing for gaming companies (possibly even GW) for a career, at least for a bit. But the more I learn about the field, the less likely that seems for a long term choice. GW is probably one of the biggest and they run so lean, I see nowhere to really go. Other companies are just as small and I'd be just as unnecessary. There isn't much of a need for more quantity or quality HR Professionals here, to the point where I/O is a level of specialization that is unheard of and unnecessary. Working somewhere I enjoy is a plus, but I don't want to be paying grad school bills with a job I'm overskilled for. Maybe independent consulting . . . 

But of course, I really don't know what I want to do with a PhD, so this is still in the testing phase of the real career search, I suppose.  I mean, hey, just a summer job?  I need to stop getting so wrapped up in future plans that are actually, in fact, tethered to my very current situation. Dont you love when you're so completely oblivious to the biases and assumptions of your own thoughts?   

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[Jun. 10th, 2008|03:54 pm]
[mood | amused]

There's just physically no way I'm getting everything done that I need to today.  Which is very liberating, ya know, giving up before starting.  Woo!  But I did get a lot of crap done today, so I'm happy.  I'm not necessarily having difficulty finding motivation for classes and projects that are telecommuted.  I'm having difficulty finding time, working and family and friends and everything here.  If nothing else, being bored and lonely in Tennessee was positive on my work ethic due to having nothing else to do.  Now I'll fail, but have fun?  yay?

Talked to some of the Direct Sales guys today, which was  . . .illuminating?  It's an expert Call Center+. They literally know every ridiculous GamesWorkshop fact down to the letter to sell/take hobby orders and customer service questions.  And apparently have gotten some interesting calls. One guy was in a trench in Iraq and called to place an order for toy soldiers.  "Yeah, we're getting shot at so they just told me to keep my head down. So I figured I'd take an order."  On a different call, the direct sales guy thought he heard some sort of humming in the background of the phone call.  The next thing he hears is some guy asking if those helicopters were theirs or ours.  The word diehard fan was never so accurate.  

On the more personal and long-term front, Im trying to figure out what exactly I want to do next summer.  My goal is to impress the guys here enough that they'll take me back next summer (maybe even christmas?). I get the feeling that depends if they can come up with a real project for me, which I coincidently am trying to supply through my current work. Of course, next summer is dependent on my thesis and comprehensive exams.  So I'm thinking this next school year is going to kick my ass trying to finish those early.  But just to give myself some leeway, I think I might not actually graduate until august, so I can take my comps in june and maybe not turn in my thesis until about the same time.  Extra money in tuition, but potentially less cost in living home for the summer, not paying rent, and working at a decent job. 

So in other words.  Fuck the graduation ceremony, mail me my diploma, and keep on trucking for the PhD. Five year plans are stupid, I cant think that far ahead. 
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Way to be a killjoy Andrew [Jun. 4th, 2008|01:25 pm]
[mood |depressing]

 I went to a one and a half year old's viewing yesterday, the son of my friend from middle school who lives across the street from me.  We havent been close in years, which just makes me feel all the worse for him.  He's had a tough life.  He's my age and married now, joined the military, he had a child, and the poor kid's already passed away.  What is there I could possibly say to him?  They made the coffin's interior up to look like a crib. It's so goddamn sad.  Wish I could have seen him more, before all this happened.  Maybe it would have made going to the viewing more meaningful or something. I dont know.  Nothing is appropriate. I hope he'll be ok.  His wife seemed pretty hysterical and his dad (who I was pretty close to) seemed to be holding it together just enough.  

In what is most likely subconsciously related news: Kinda makes me curious about another young couple, my biological gene-seeders.  I really feel uncomfortable using the term parents.  There's just no connection there outside of genetics, and less face it, those aren't really my finer points. I mean this is still probably years away from caring enough to seek anyone out or anything, but the curiousity is bubbling around in my head.  What does it take to have a kid before you turn 16?  I mean, there's gotta be some fucked up genetic psychological component to that level of poor choices. Can't help but think of that sometimes.  Weird.
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An . . almost week in review. [May. 29th, 2008|11:56 pm]
[mood |utter lack of responsibility]

Kinda first week working in the Training/Development dept. at GamesWorkshop . . . is terrifying but successful experience?.  I still feel grossly  . . not incompetent, just inexperienced. Both in the hobby (I'm rusty, grad school ruins free time . . .excluding drinking) as well as at this level of professionalism.  I still feel a bit over my head, have been left to my own devices (and therefore anxieties), and keep finding cool projects that are not on my repoirtoire.  But, its only my third day and I just finished all my impromptu organizational training, so I'm hoping after the weekend I'll mellow.  

Along those lines, I'm off friday (yay) because I'll be training/observing at the Arundel Mills store.  Which  . . . is somewhat of a strange induction as my my pseudo-internal consulting involves the sales teams in everything BUT store retail.  However, I got a red shirt!  So anxiety aside, the awesome aspects of the job . . . 

(non-hobbyists feel free to skim, skip, or laugh at my utter nerd-dom).  I dumbly watched the most entertaining half hour argument between a british and american war history buff duke it out on which was better, WWI or II.  Every office has cases of the department's miniatures. There is mandatory gaming and nerf-gun fights on occasion. There are tables of free things. There is the entire Black Library, as a library, where you can check them out.  I have a 50% discount to anything GW (And I may have dropped a paycheck already . . .).  I have access to the workshop where they make all the gamesday and store scenery.  Instead of using measurements like widgets or utils, theoretical choices are made in goblins. There's a blastchamber with seperate ventilation and lighting for indoors priming. There's an Inquisitor's box full of dangerous Xeno's artificacts in the lobby.  Oh yeah, and everyone likes their job. When you sell toy soldiers, I guess it just puts things in perspective.  It's also great and unique experience, or something educational like that.

Choice Quotes: "Warhammer is not a kid's game, the dark elf codex involves witches slitting the throats of, then raping men . . . reminds me of my 2nd ex-wife."  "I'm giving this bunny a PowerClaw."  

Is it any surprise I haven't done any of my class reading, finished class stuff from last semester I haven't finished, and haven't done any work on my thesis?  Yeah.  Ooops. Anyways, if you're at Arundel Mills on saturday, stop by the store and apparently I'm supposed to assist in Intro Gaming.  No pressure at all on the terrified intern/desk jockey. 
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Substance without cynical commentary? [May. 23rd, 2008|03:43 pm]
[mood |disbelief]
[music |Depeche Mode]

So for those who I have not told privately or have not heard that it has definitively gone through, I'll be working in the Training and Organizational Development Department at GamesWorkshop. Which 1. means I'll be back in Maryland and 2. I'm a giant nerd who hit the jackpot in the otherwise seemingly legitimate career of HR and I/O.  Wooo!  After hearing the projects I feel excited but in way over my head, particularly after the director said "Hey, we wanna learn from him too!" No pressure.

"You do realize our job is to sell goblins right?"

The previous quote was told to my thesis/practicum supervisor, much to his awkward confusion.  Which made me feel better.  Because for the last few months of talking to their recruiter for a potential job, I made it a point not to sound like a slobbering fanboy.  I'll get a feel for the company before I geek out and start asking for employee discounts (I need two carnifexes and a zoanthrope, think Birthday people). On the other hand, I almost don't feel like Geek enough to work there.  Never thought I'd need to bone up on my Warhammer knowledge for a job. I'm worried about opposite problems, proving that I'm terrified.

Honestly, I think I need the summer home emotionally as well.  I'm always torn between my spiteful independence and being a giant sappy mess of a homebody.  These last 9 months or so have been great for me, but I don't really know how long I'll have to do this with a potential PhD program looming and god knows where.  Might be the last summer free for awhile (depending on if I actually get my shit together to graduate early next summer). Although I did find a professor with similar research interests at UMCP, yay sociometry and perceptions of leadership!  I can't even think that far ahead, just gotta get my shit together to move out and to make sure I don't go crazy this summer.  Have I mentioned I also have 4 weekly class hours and a 10 hours weekly online teaching assistantship and potential contract work in Philly? Oh fuck . .
Driving back sunday morning, off monday, start work this tuesday.   Tzeentch bless me?
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[May. 21st, 2008|11:59 pm]
Me: Im not a help people psychologist, Im a "I wanna make you work for less money but be happy about it" psychologist.
Me: haha, wow, that sounded fucked up even for me
Andy: yeah, that was sort of a new record
Me: I'm proud but . . sort of empty.
Me: Awesome!
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[May. 21st, 2008|06:35 pm]
I beat Nerd.  The end guy was hard.
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Misery loves company. [May. 18th, 2008|05:39 pm]
So I'm going through a list of 204 freeware psychology surveys/scales and would like to bring you my favorite.  Psychology is a weird business.

Apparently there are scales testing an individual's . . . .
Capacity for love
Creativity
Depth
Humility   (You have the highest humility score ever!  how do you feel?!)
Imperturbability
Morality
Need for Cognition . . . ?!? 
Physical Attractiveness . . . .huh?
Poise
Tenderness
Tranquility
Unlikely Virtues . . . ?
Zest, presumably testing if you are the skin of a lemon.
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That's not true! That's unpossible! [May. 18th, 2008|04:14 pm]
Who lied to me.  Who told me that statistics was the easiest math.  Was it Ryan convincing me to take AP with him in high school?  Was it some professor at Gettysburg trying to console me into not dropping out of methods?  Because they definitely lied.

MULTIDIMENSIONAL STATISTICS, WTF.  I'm sorry, unless there's a tesseract involved, there's no such thing as that many dimensions.  If I'm stuck with this many insane formulas I demand to be able to throw fireballs and/or bind demons. There, I said it.   . . . Actually, binding a demon might help me out with the whole selling of my soul thing. 
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[May. 17th, 2008|08:32 pm]
[music |Dj Goo.]

I'm bringing vermouth and vodka over to an abstinent youth minister's house because I can't have fun without alcohol.

In Tennessee that is.  So I dodged the alcoholic train there. Phew!
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Truly, this is a What the Fuck Barbeque [May. 15th, 2008|01:38 pm]
[mood |too confused to know]

The last 24 hours, the entire Left Field of Chaos has spat bizarre events at me.  Tzeentch has blessed me with the Winds of Change!

But it also involves a drug test.  Downer.
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Their hopeless programming is my saving grace [May. 9th, 2008|01:29 pm]
Apparently the Travel Channel has simply given up any of their other shows and now only shows Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern and No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain.  Any time I've turned it on, it is one of these shows, incidently both my favorite. Understandable, as the rest of their shows are terrible. Net win.  
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Death Dream. I don't even have the excuse of drug interactions anymore [May. 7th, 2008|10:27 pm]
[mood |existential]

I had some weird weird dreams last night.  I think it was 1. Lots of waking up and 2. Enough beer and coffee to hit rebound around my REM times.  Sadly, I only remember one.  More sadly, I woke up halfway through it.

So for some strange reason I was on the Titanic, in the officer's deck, presumably working there.  And the ship starts sinking and basically nose-dives into the Atlantic.  Which Im pretty sure is not how it happened nor is physically possible. So we're front and center watching the water come crashing towards us and the cabin surprisingly slowly filling up with water.  For some reason, the captain says, "Lets just keep going!  We  can survive by just flowing through out the other side of the earth!"  Solid reasoning.  Which, even to my dreamy brain still sounded like a bad to ridiculous idea. 

So eventually the cabin fills up.  I realize how utterly in delusion and denial the captain is and continue holding my breath, apparently not self aware enough to realize my same mentality. So air runs out.  And I can feel things get blurry, my lungs tight, and start sucking in deep gasps of water. At which point I snap out of denial and feel that abject fear of something completely unknown.  Knowledgable of my fate, I try to stop the futile gasping, but can't.  My fingers start feeling tingly and my torso is freezing cold.  Then the  vision starts blacking out.  And my last thought is that I won't even be conscious to feel what it's like to die. Which I (later) wonder if is even possible to begin with. Then I wake up. 

It's a tough feeling that is almost impossible to have consciously. Sometimes I got it with pot, and that was an emotionally and cognitively challenging experience.  One of those "difficult but good for you" things.  Idunno, Im dangerously curious. I grew up with death, its just there.  Maybe its because a few of my family members are getting deathly ill/dying lately.  Big families only increase the frequency of tragedies. Kinda on my brain.  Probably why I went down to visit my grandparents today.  Puts things in perspective, all in all.
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"Like an amiable uncle" [May. 6th, 2008|11:19 pm]
What a strange situation. I'm watching No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain: a show where he travels the world and eats. Frivolous, capitalist, maybe. But he's picking mushrooms with the boss of a half dozen KGB spies who are responsible for the deaths of an unknown number of American spies in Russia, executed on his watch.

I hear about Nazi Officers living happy lives in South America, Australia, and how they just get away with it.  They're war criminals with only the sparsest defense but they get away with it by sheer temporal distance.  An entirely different debate outside of this one perhaps, but I'm willing to stake the claim that they are objectively evil people that should be punished no matter what.

But this man?  He talks about picking mushrooms, living in his cottage with his wife, hell, his house looks more traditional than my 80 year old catholic grandparents.  It's weird.  His actions are just plain evil.  He was in charge of some crazy unethical shit, he's a fucking spy!  old school!  And Tony just chats with him about food and espionage, equally blase. I mean, he's in charge of killing people. I'm not saying that he's an evil man but it just highlights the strange nature of a political, not moral battle.

Nazis not killed by Massad already? Egh, give it time, they're fuckers and they deserve death. But some KGB boss?  Hey, we did the same things.  No biggie.  Hell, I don't agree with what he did anymore than what we did. In some way, its neutral.  He's no more evil than our side.  and certainly has less objectionable intentions than Nazi ideology.

Objectively, isn't he still as evil?  He's probably responsible for just as many deaths as any CIA thug, and arguably both are as responsible as any Nazi Officer.  Why are the KGB and CIA equally bad to the point of friendly rivalry, but Nazis exponentially bad?  They're all fucking killers. 

Just, strange I suppose.  Highlights the eternal argument of intention versus action I suppose. I'm pretty sure a cooking show never intended on that.  It's a weird world we live in.
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